The suprising benefits of lowering your expectations
You wouldn’t catch me dead saying ‘lower your expectations’ a year or so ago.
I would instantly rally against such a saying - fearful that it meant accepting less, and conscious of what ripple effect that might have.
Then - I had twins, and had to navigate not only that life change, but also the impact that this monumental life change would have on my business.
To put some of this into context - I pride myself on being an over achiever. I’m the eldest of 3 children, firstborn daughter to a powerhouse woman who has blazed many trails in her lifetime and continues to do things her way. I am a Capricorn (insert joke about me being the GOAT here) which means I am inclined towards grafting and pushing myself to achieve everything I set my heart on and more. I had a very successful events career where I was trusted with big pressure and big projects, and always delivered beyond the level I thought I could at the time. And I’m now carving out a new business and version of myself, at the same time as navigating motherhood for the first time.
So the idea of LOWERING my expectations just didn’t vibe with me at all, thanks.
WHY would I LOWER my expectations of myself, of life, of possibility, of magic, when I fundamentally believe that my power to create is limited only by my energy and imagination?
Well, here’s the thing. We aren’t defined by our achievements. We are a whole being, a complete being, a direct reflection of miracles and magic (Google the statistical chance of any of us actually being born in the first place and take a moment to appreciate that your existence is a fucking miraculous and precious thing).
And so, if we’re only ever pushing, winning, taking big swings and hitting them out of the park - we’re missing so so much of the other stuff. And if our whole life, our whole identity and measure of worth in this life is entwined with achievement and kicking goals, we rob ourselves of the joy available to us in the mundane.
In large swathes of life that can feel a bit beige (no shade, beige girl aesthetic - she types while wearing a bright lilac knit and a red, pink and white stripey beanie hat, lol) those of us who want to live a remarkable life can feel lost. I say this with firsthand experience because I’m raising 2 small beings and so much of this phase of life is rinse and repeat. Consistency is absolutely key for my babies - it helps them feel safe, it helps them grow confidence and explore without fear. It also helps me to rest as much as I can, maintain equilibrium, and therefore show up for them in the best way I can.
Is it boring? Yes, at times. Do I have moments yearning for my previous life of selfishness and freedom, pilates classes, dinner out and dancing? Yes, sometimes. But I am not in that chapter of my life anymore.
Back when I was still pregnant, and trying to learn as much as possible to prepare for birth and post-partum and everything else, a wise person told me ‘lower your expectations’ and it really stuck with me. Something in my intuition woke up with those words - this was a massive piece of wisdom that I had not yet learned. My spidey senses were tingling, my inner Fierce was curious to know more.
What would it mean if I turned my well-established way of being on its head, and lowered my expectations for this next chapter. It meant clearing out A LOT of high minded ideals I was harbouring for myself, for my experience, for my babies, for my body, for sleep, for my relationship, for my business, for my creativity…for all of it.
I’ve told many people that my only expectation of myself in the early days of becoming a mother (beyond all of us surviving each day) was to have a shower and do my skincare. That was literally it for myself. A few people (lovingly) laughed at this - correctly pointing out that this stuff is basic selfcare and balking at how low my expectations were for myself.
But here’s the thing that is easily missed - with having lower expectations and making my daily non-negotiables so simple and do-able even on 90 minutes of sleep some nights, I was able to actually ACHIEVE them every single day.
Think of it like this - your goals for yourself are stacked on 3 shelves.
Shelf one is right in front of you, you don’t have to reach for it, you can just put out your hand and take whatever you need from this shelf.
Shelf two is just above your head height - you can reach up your arms and take what you need from this shelf anytime, too - you need to exert a little more effort but its totally do-able.
Then, there’s shelf three which is out of reach above your head, even if you stand on your tippy toes To reach this shelf you would need a ladder or a leg up - getting to this shelf requires extra effort and commitment to get there.
In seasons of life where a lot is being asked of you - there is no shame in focusing only on shelf one and shelf two. Setting your sights on the genuinely achievable for a while ensures you still accomplish some of the things that are important to you, giving you a sense of satisfaction AND keeping the momentum going for when you’re ready to one again reach even higher for shelf number three.
Keeping my expectations of myself and the world around me at a resonable level has kept me sane, and given me many much needed confidence boosts during my (almost) first year of motherhood. And I am applying it to my Fierce return to work as well.
One step at a time, showing up and keeping going. So far, so good.
Consider me a convert to lowering your expectations when you need to
Now, where’s my eye cream, vitamin c serum and moisturiser…?
Thank you for reading and see you next time!
Heather x
